Written by Evan B. 10/16/2022
Image from Pexels
Recently I have come into the possession of a billion Alaskan Snow Crabs (do not ask how), and I realized that as an outlet of information, it is my duty to give others in the same situation advice on how to utilize these hundreds of millions of crabs. Here are some of the ways I would plan on using them, if I only had the time.
Cook a nice meal for your family
Your family does so much for you, from helping with small house-hold tasks to pushing you out of the womb with excruciating pain (mainly the mom who does that though, for the most part). Why not surprise them with a nice meal for once and let them know they are appreciated! And with the help of your little crab chefs, cooking a nice filet mignon or parmesan chicken is easier than ever before.
Build a bridge
Travel is difficult, especially if you ever wanted to go from New York to Greece. That damn ocean gets in the way of everything! But with a billion crabs you have enough materials to build a bridge and make that trip so much easier. Just make sure to make it boat safe, or you might get sued by the "United Nations" or whatever they call themselves nowadays.
Create your own military in the Arctic with a crab militia
No one officially owns the North Pole, so why not take it over yourself. With a training montage your crabs can be combat-ready and provide a militia for your new country in the Arctic. Plus, they are snow crabs, perfect for the snow. With enough time you could even train your crabs to become monks so they don't need money spent on armaments, and if they get shot at, they can just catch the bullet/ballistic missile.
Learn the eventual path all living things take
In the end all things will revert to the form of the crab. In the path of evolution, the crab is the ultimate state of being, all who've rose from our Earth's fertile land with eventually become a crab. The age of man will soon be over. Will you fight the futile fight, or accept your fate as God's most beautiful creature?
Use it for puns
If you're ever not feeling too great on a particular day, you could always go up to someone and tell them you're, "feeling somewhat crabby today", before proceeding to throw a pocket crab into their face, as you run away laughing at your incredibly advanced humor.
"I'm feeling rather...crabby, today. Haha!"
Image credit to Wikimedia Commons and Openclipart
Get vengeance on your landlords
Something we've all wanted to do is make our landlords suffer for the capitalistic curse they've helped to bring upon our world, so here is how to do just that. If you fill your sink with crabs before taking your leave of the property, the landlord will have to deal with a clogged sink. Foolproof!
Give Crabs voting rights then run for president
Time and time again people fought for all humans to have the basic rights that we all deserve, regardless of race, gender identity, sexual orientation, or wealth. We can do the same for crabs. After a long, tiring campaign to grant crabs voting rights (we're already on the right path), you will have one billion voters ready to win you the next presidential campaign. But make sure you've treated them right, or they just may revolt the next time you say, "let them eat seafood!"
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